The story of Christmas at Mount Pleasant
When I used to hear about older people being lonely, I would wonder why they didn't simply get out, join a club, get involved in various activities - there are plenty of them about such as art classes, singing groups/choirs, walking groups, yoga classes, reading groups - the list goes on. Even just going to the local cafe for a cup of coffee and chatting to anyone else that is there.
Then in July 2020, I lost my wife (Penny) of 35 years to cancer after having nursed her at home myself through the Covid pandemic lockdown. For the last 20 years of that time we were both self-employed and spent a lot of time working from home, so were very much together a lot of the time.
Penny was an internationally renowned expert and published author in the field of Childhood Abuse having developed the only form of therapy that can actually resolve the trauma and issues arising from childhood abuse (Parks Inner Child Therapy - PICT). (visit Penny Parks Training for more info.)
She was also a well known jazz and blues singer in and around East Anglia (visit PennyParks.uk for more info.)
We had no children together and my wife's children from a previous marriage all lived in America (my wife was American). I was fortunate to get regular support from 2 close friends, although inevitably that eventually tailed off, and, as someone that is generally perceived to be strong, capable and resilient, I was pretty much left to cope on my own. It is surprising how little people either understand grief and the grieving process, or shy away from, even avoid, talking to those going through grief as they don't know what to say. I was also suffering an element of PTSD from the impact of nursing my wife myself, particularly in the strange environment that was brought by the covid lockdown.
What I had felt that I needed was to expand my base of friends and find, and be a part of, a strong community, a sangha, a tribe and therefore tried various things such as:
- I joined a yoga class at a local yoga studio in Feb 2022 and thought that I had found a community that I could be part of. They had a small cafe at the studio and after each session we would have a tea/coffee and a chat. However, later that year the ownership of the studio changed hands, and that community environment evaporated.
- I joined a life drawing class - that only lasted for a few months and then fizzled out.
- I joined a 5 rhythms dance class which, again, after a few months also fizzled out, although it may be starting up again in 2024.
- Having had a keen interest in Eastern philosophy - Zen, Buddhism, yoga, etc - after my father died when I was 14 years old, I had hoped to get more deeply involved in a Zen community that was looking to expand in the UK. However, delving deeper into it, the ethos of that community seemed to have changed since the founder died in 2022 and no longer seemed right for me.
I then realised how naive I had previously been about the deep impact of loneliness and its debilitating effects, and how difficult it was to get out of that trap.
The point of this is to show that it is not as if I haven't tried - it is difficult to find one's tribe, new friends - let alone a new relationship. Having initially had the support from friends after the death of my wife, when that tails off and it is then that loneliness really starts to bite. Three years in and it seemed to get worse and at times I really started to feel the true depths of helpless despair, loneliness and depression. At times, if I didn?t have my precious little dog to look after, particularly as she has gone blind this year and now beginning to show her age (13), I could really have given up on life. It was difficult to see a future - let alone another relationship at my age (68 at the time of writing). An alternative that I considered was to seek out another Zen/Buddhist community to join and even become a monk - although then I think that I would just get bored.
My only thought was that if I could not find a community to join, then I would create one of my own.
I have already experienced 3 Christmases since my wife died, one on my own, one with family and another with a friend's family. However, spending such a time with another family, I felt a bit like a gooseberry at someone else's party. Then the idea came to me in early 2023 - why not do a Christmas for others in the same boat as me. I had hoped to be able to get my barn finished that I am rebuilding and hold it in there, but due to a lack of motivation, I didn?t get it done. So, I thought I know I can cater for 20 - 25 in the house - do it in there instead. That is how Christmas at Mount Pleasant all came about. It is the start of what I hope will become an annual tradition.
A tradition of hosting real Christmases that turn their back on the false commercial event that Christmas has become, spending money that many cannot afford on what will quickly become environmental pollution and landfill. It costs little to celebrate the real spirit of Christmas that is human kindness, compassion & connection, and is pollution free.
During the organisation of this year's event, I was told about the poet Lemn Sissay?s Christmas Dinner Project. This is a charity set up to provide a Christmas Dinner for youngsters (18-25) who have left the care system and have nowhere else to go. So, I had hoped to extend the invitation out to them. Unfortunately trying to deal with the local authorities and other care organisations proved fruitless this year, but hopefully we may be able to include them in future years.
As we know, every action has consequences - expected and unexpected. My Christmas Day plans had a surprising, unexpected consequence. I was contacted by a friend of a friend of a friend in the village who was interested in coming along for Christmas, although she lived in another part of the country 2-1/2 hours drive away. She rang me to say that she would like to come along but didn't know me so wanted to have a chat to find out more about me. Fortunately, some months previously I had put together a "dating profile" in the event that I might at some time be ready for another relationship and tacked this profile on the back of one of my websites. I suggested that she look at that with the caveat that I was not ready or currently looking for a relationship at that time, she explained that she was not looking for a relationship either. A few days later she rang me again to say that she had a daughter living in Essex and was planning to visit her, could she come and see me as well. I said that I was happy to meet her and also offered her my spare bedroom as a place to stay if she needed it. Suffice to say we had a fabulous time together, and have met up halfway between us a couple of times since and kept up contact on a regular basis. She also did come for Christmas.
Although that particular budding romance has come to an end for various reasons, this encounter has completely changed my life and perspective on it. Instead of despair and hopelessness, I was able to start to see joy in every day and hope for the future. We will see what 2024 brings.
The moral of this story is:
- To anyone on their own, if you are able, get out there - the world will not come to you. You have to be open to let things in, whether it is your heart or your home - preferably both. Although I realise that may not be possible for everyone.
- If you know someone on their own, they may be suffering a lot more than they are letting on. It is so easy to respond "Yeah, fine!" when asked "How are you doing?" when really they are desperately needing much more inside.
- There is life after death.
- Age is just a number, the only thing preventing us from change is ourselves.
Rod Tallowin